I so apoolgize for not posting recently, i will tell you that on Aug. 6, 2019 one of the most amazing thing happened my last co-defendent came home. For those of you who don’t know what a co-defendent is see below…

Anyways there were 6 of us arrested for our crime in total, 4 of which were released from prison 10-15 years before. With 4 freed, there was just us, me and L.

It was at this point in our lives we had begun to mature, because as i often tell folks- i was arrested in my developement stuck at 19 for most of my stay at York. I only recently after surviving a suicide attempt, realizing i did not want to die, i began to change. i began to let go of anger and start reaching for whatever i felt like having-

i realized God saved me for a reason that Guard who saved me was not there by accident but since then- since that day- i knew i had to be grateful for what i did have, and instead of mourning over what i didn’t have. the more i opened my eyes to see the more blessings i realized.

Then about a year or so later i was released from solitary confinement, when i came to the compound in 2007-

Anyways upon coming to the compound L and I began to encounter one another and start having some real conversations about what our future might possibly be. Together we began imaging that she and i might see the other side of the fence. We mentored together in Sister Standing Strong- as we as women started to grow again-maturisistically.  Founded by now,  Dr. Elizabeth Allen, PhD, LCSW –http://www.drelizabethallen.org/contact.html  One of the most brilliant and straightforward women i know, in her role as a Social Worker she created Sisters Standing Strong. L and i got to share our stories with groups of new admits we got to tell these girls who were probably feeling all types of suicidial. weather you have been in prison or not everyone knows what it feels like when we do something that can’t be undone. and if anyones ever faced repracusions for their action than you all know that familar, “What the fuck did i do feeling?”

Anyway this group L and I along with many mentors before and since me- we went unit to unit, the feeling in my chest would Rise as when i walked into a unit with Liz or any of the Sister Standing Strong Staff- The guards had to respect you no matter what they thought of you. Guards would shake there heads, and hurl insulting words- not just as L and I but most of us mentors. They’d say, “Tracie Bernardi they’d let you be a mentor?” I was nolonger little fragile Tracie. For safety and security- Liz or another Social Worker had to be present for our groups, but they were OUR groups- we ran them, we created the cirriculums for them. We’d sit in Liz’s office rumaging like real people who were ALLOWED to find an exercise, or activity. Liz did not treat us a suspect or criminal.

There was no line in the sand with Liz- She simply respected us felllow human beings. Because of Liz i began to use my story for change- rather than hold my head down. I got to go to these groups and share my story and i could see how transformative and impactful my story was. And So were the woman who were given these Leadership positions- we were mentors but what Liz was doing was teaching us to believe in ourselves and love ourselfs flaws and all.

Shout out to JILL SANDORA (a Saint in my eyes), Mary, Genise, Jesse, Kim, and the good ones- you know who you are. Couldn’t have made it without your support and guidance. But Once i began to do that through Sisters Standing Strong, i got to help so many woman. And so did the other mentors. But at the same time it helped us- especially me. i started to see that i wasn’t all these negative messages people etched in my brain. Little by little as my self-esteem increased i was able to participate in Trinity, Quinnipiac and Weselyan. It had been years since that i’d taken any courses- those were my long gone 26 and under no pellgrants for inmates days.

Any Hoodle i was back on the compound so many in betweens, but i also got involved in Judy Dworin. In her program i realized my talents, and my values. i got to explore who i was through the creative channels that JDPP provided us with- we could sing, write, design t-shirts, or scenery, we could sing- i dabbled in many – though i threw adult temper tantrims when asked to dance. Anyone who knows me knows i’ve got no rhythm. Here’s an Email excerpt from an email i sent Judy about my current state/situation- L coming home-

“The closure this brings is beyond understanding I knew what it felt like to commit a crime with five people and watch each of the first four before me -walk out that door. It was bittersweet I was happy for them, sad for L and I.” (She and I began to grow and blossum, and we learned to forgive and move past. We learned to look at we had already endured and use it for good.)

Volenteers like Judy Dworin  https://www.judydworin.org/

God Really sent some angels into York- yaw literally went to Prison for us- to me that meant we had to be worthy. Cause who comes to anyone in Prison?? But you do, not to exploit us or use us for your own good- but to help change the narrative on what a person convicted of a crime is. You helped me respect myself and work as a team, and i realized my worth. YOU believed in us-loved us through. Volenteers like Judy, and of course i could never forget Reverend Etter and The honors program she created as a reward for completing her residential Willow Community. These Programs are the programs that breathed life back into my last co-dee and I. –Despite the craziness we dealt with Daily you brought Sunshine into the Prison. You made me know that people in society would accept me but only if I was honest and you helped me recognize my worth. Mr. Joe Lea is a saint as well, can’t forget him-he brought so many opportunities to the women at York- to many to list. After I tried to kill myself and realized I wanted to leave as darkness came- to live I had to figure out how. And more importantly why…these programs gave me such Reason, such Purpose.

In 2015 after being released it was not over for me.

i will tell you that i stood by L these past four years because she did not deserve to be left behind, and it was my intention to see her home. I feel like my life is a miracle every day is a miracle, and of course i could not have done anything without God who graced me with the most amzing strong mother one could ask for. Everyone should know second chances, NO CARVE OUTS>

So yeah yaw… i’ve been a bit caught up. trying to advance in this world, got a few things in the works still working with SmartJustice, and in my two positions at CHR so bare with me. Remember yaw… i been home 4 years but i’ve barely begun… wish me luck.. be patient. And thank whatever higher power you believe in cause after almost 27 years we are finally getting our second chance and as long as we live in a way that honors humanity- we can carry oour heads high and share our stories- not to say “Oh look at what i did wrong- but rather look how far i was able to come and from where? and if so imagine how far you can come. #FROMTHECELLTOTHECAPITOL no lol. believe it…

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By the time

[ˌkōdəˈfendənt]

NOUN

co-defendant (noun)

1. any of two or more individuals, companies, or institutions answering the same charge in a court of law.