I do. Every day.

I imagine myself dying.

And then I imagine everyone’s reaction.

Then

I imagine losing a loved ones.

And then I imagine my reaction.

It’s sad to think about death so much…

To have it at the constant forefront of my mind

Knowing so many people who have died and people who have had people die on them.

I know death is real. I know it’s unavoidable really…

When it’s our time we really do go.

It’s not one of those child hood fairytales like Santa and the Easter Bunny. No Death is real.

And it’s real for everyone. Don’t matter what color your skin is or what country you originated from or how much money you have. Death doesn’t care.

Death does not discriminate- it comes for the best and the no so nicest people.

Death comes for the young and the old.

So I know it will come for me.

I use to think it would come at my own hand but I grew away from that

To a person who cherishes life and is so grateful for it.

I am no longer self destructive. But instead I find myself loving being alive

And it’s right in those moments that anxiety steps in and warns me

And it’s not just me dying I worry about it’s those I love as well. I’m constantly needing to know if people are ok.

I feel guilt and anxiety because I turn my ringer off at night.

Im not sure if everyone feels like I do. I just wish I could stop dreading doom and be at Peace in the moment.

But how can I ?

What I fear is real.

And it’s fast and unchanging.

Once it happens it’s done –

unless God rewrites the script.