You have my prayers and my understanding. I can remember days where I felt like cutting or self harming and even threatened to do it in hopes someone could protect me from myself but most people who didn’t understand suicidal tendencies only judged me as weak or trying to get attention. Really I was screaming to the world please stop hurting me! I’m at a breaking point! and if you won’t stop hurting me I’ll escape even if it’s momentarily through cutting or permanently like the one time I actually hung myself. I wished everyone I loved could understand I didn’t need pity or attention- I needed them to FUCKING stop. Because most of the time someone else’s actions were hurting me and for what ever reason I couldn’t get away or didn’t want to- and their actions were hurting me so much that it made me wanna disappear- sometimes the only thing that kept me alive was thinking about the people that were at home who loved me and wanted me to come home. And thank God for them because that is what kept me alive in those moments. And when you’re feeling suicidal and sad and mad and angry and hurt because somebody’s doing something that is making, you just wanna lose your mind and the only way you think you can control it is to quit and then you wouldn’t have to deal with it anymore. 

You have to rewrite the way that you think. I once started to think hey wait a minute if somebody was punching me in the face, would I join in and help them punch me?

No, I would not . So this person is hurting me and I’m gonna go ahead and hurt myself as well worse than they do. If I’m cutting my wrist I know that I’m probably not gonna die, but I’m the one who has to deal with the cuts on my arms when they’re burning in the shower. I’m the one who has to deal with the ticket that I’m gonna get from the prison guards in the trip to mental health and then solitary confinement.. It finally hit me no pun intended that I cannot keep harming myself as a means of communication. Obviously, if the person that I’m communicating with, doesn’t understand words coming out of my mouth then how could they understand a gesture to them that looks just crazy. It looks dramatic and like we don’t have control- it definitely doesn’t convey the message that who are self- injurious are trying desperately to illiterate. 

I stopped cutting and self harming because A) it was falling on deaf ears and B) I’d be damned if I was going to continue helping others hurt me. I told myself I know you’re not where you want to be in life but you gotta figure out how to LIVE even in here! I was in jail at the time and since I never hurt myself again or even threatened to.

You are a good person. You are in my prayers. I hope that these feelings pass and you recognize you are valuable and worthy and you never let someone else’s actions or inactions get you to this point.