By Tracie Bernardi Guzman

One of the most important parts of getting better and healing, in my opinion, is exploring new things to see which resonate with you and maybe even discover some that you are good at. Sometimes people who have received negative messages throughout their lives don’t feel very good about themselves and can’t necessarily project confidence. Instead, they pretend to be confident, yet their personalities don’t seem good to other people because they don’t feel good about themselves and project in different ways to make up for it.

When people try new things, like I did, it can be transformative. Instead of just doodling on paper as I always did, I began looking at already-made art—sometimes coloring books, sometimes images in a magazine—and tried to draw them. My drawings were not great, but they weren’t bad either compared to some of the stick figures and art I’ve seen. When an attorney/close friend sent me an origami book, I started using the folds in the book to create not only what the diagram showed but also my own creations and ideas.

This may seem small to someone, but if you follow along, you’ll understand that it was really something big.

Here I was, a girl who didn’t believe in herself, who had so much negative messages from people telling her she wasn’t going to be anything. Suddenly, someone with low self-esteem started to see themselves as somebody who can.

Previously, I thought of myself as someone who couldn’t do anything because that’s what I was told. Unfortunately, in my childhood, the trauma outweighed the good, so I blocked out many good memories that I know exist but can’t conjure clearly in my mind’s eye.

Another thing I started to do, which I think I had always done, was write. The difference now is I was sharing my writing with people who saw me as talented, versus the past when I was told to stop wasting paper. I can still see the person crumpling the paper on which I had poured my words and soul. But when people started complimenting my writing, I began to develop a sense of self-worth.

Before someone can get better, they must figure out WHY they should even believe in themselves in the first place!

Another thing that helped me was I found a new sense of self-esteem was in the church. I had heard it all before but It finally sunk in as I relearned about someone who loved me so much he knows how many strands of hair I have.

Not only that, but he knew I was going to sin even before I did it, and he loved me so much he gave his only begotten son. Hearing about the power of his word gave me new hope. Even if it’s not the God you believe in, all people should have a spiritual connection or a higher power to fill them when they are empty. I even joined the choir-(but that’s another story for another day)

Another Big area I regained my self-esteem is when I was given the opportunity to restart my college career when I turned 26 after being told I could not take any more college classes because I had aged out and the government had stopped all Pell grants at the time. Once I was given back the right to higher education, my self-esteem propelled even more. Now even in prison, I could shine. I was one of the brightest in the class, and the more I learned, the brighter I became. I was taking courses offered by Quinnipiac and Wesleyan University—college names I’d only heard of in movies or the news. But this combination of things totally helped me build my self-esteem.

Another thing that literally kept me alive and helped me believe in myself was the support I was fortunate enough to have. First and foremost from my mother, who had my back since the second I won that sperm race and got fertilized, and my stepfather too.

They visited, accepted my calls, and sent money to help me survive. My dad also was there for me. I also had my brother and his beautiful wife, my sister, my nieces and cousins, my aunts and uncles, and some great friends.

I was probably the luckiest prisoner in there. When I started to see how many people loved and cared about me and wanted me home, I began to see my value and worth I began to see myself beyond my mistakes.

But I don’t want you to get confused—that’s MY story, not everyone’s. Just like I have green eyes and only 2% of human beings have green eyes. In prison, with the support system I had, I was the 2%. The majority of people in prison do not have a support system like mine and don’t have the same self-esteem I was able to build up from the wreckage. Families who don’t support their family members during difficult times make it a million times harder for that person to heal. They might feel, “If even my family doesn’t love me- I must not be worthy!”

Before a person can come home and be ready for a job or anything , they have to believe themselves.

If they don’t believe in and genuinely like themselves, how can we expect them to walk into an interview and get the job? I tell the people I help with job searches that going into an interview, you are a salesperson—the object you are selling is you. You want this person behind the desk to go to whoever they need to advocate hiring you. You need to tell them that you have a criminal record, but this is what you have done since, this is how you have changed your life, and you want them to understand that you’re not who you used to be and don’t make decisions the way you used to.

But the only way to do this convincingly is if it’s the truth—if you genuinely feel good about yourself, are confident about the skills you have obtained, follow directions well, show up on time, and are responsible, thoughtful, and careful.

The only way to be any of these things is if you have self-esteem. If you feel bad about yourself, there is no way you’re going to walk into anywhere and win.

Before someone writes a resume, they have to honestly figure out how to love themselves and what is good about them. They might need to write a list or find another way to evaluate and see beyond the negative messaging. So many people tell us that we’re pieces of crap and we’re never going to be anything, and we start to believe it.

In the beginning when others do notice good things about us and begin to compliment us, we blush, get shy, and can’t take it because we don’t really believe it.

The moral of this story is that if you want someone who has been incarcerated or anyone who has gone through tough times and doesn’t believe in themselves to be able to successfully reintegrate into society and get employment or reintegrate back into their family life, you have to help that  person figure out what is good about them so they can start to build their self-esteem and feel good about themselves.

Once they do, there’s no telling how far they can excel in life—I don’t even think there’s a limit. But if they don’t rebuild their sense of self worth they will continue to be limited, continue not to get the jobs they seek, and continue to be denied things they rightfully deserve.