Describe a phase in life that was difficult to say goodbye to.

This prompt described a phase in life that was difficult to say goodbye to you know honesty, my suicidal tendencies, and my suicidal ideations. for so many years anytime anything went wrong in my life my first reaction, my first thought was killing myself.



As you know I had a lengthy sentence between the guilt i felt or my involvement the taking of another persons life and the prospect of a 30 year sentence. I was hopeless, I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. I pretty much was still alive but had no desire to exist. I was alive because the only other choice would have been suicide, and half the time although i thought about it, threatened to do it, etched superficial and sometimes more serious cuts on my writs and legs. I was definitely always in fight or flight and my first reaction wasn’t run from the situation it was to run from life. Like i really wanted to extinguish my flame. But mostly i was chicken to do it or i was afraid that if i didn’t succeed DOC would be sure to punish me just as soon as the psychiatrist deemed me no longer suicidal. This punishment usually involved a 7 day all expense paid trip to solitary confinement- making me suicidal again. Yep it was definitely a cycle but even after DOC smartened up and stopped treating someone cutting their wrist similar to a person who got an illegal tattoo. It was crazy because I would not only go to seg for 7 days but id also get up t 3 other sanctions for good measure.

Yes they would actually wait for a person who has self harmed or even in some-cases hung themselves- They would wait for this person to feel better the doctor with Dean them medically cleared, and then the guard would come and serve them with a disciplinarian action a class, a disciplinary action, which is the worst of the worst of the worst. They treated this the same way, they treated somebody that selfie related intentionally just to get a tattoo.

As I said, they would give you three other sanctions so imagine you’re finally feeling better you no longer want to kill yourself you realize that you probably should’ve hurt yourself but you were really upset and you thought it through and you don’t wanna hurt yourself anymore and you just wanna continue with your life right now to get this ticket somebody comes to your room they tell you to stay in against the wall they put handcuffs on and they take you off to solitary confinement, solitary confinement you get strip searched in these disgusting outfits called scrubs that sound Embedded in it Then, maybe two or three days later you get called to the disciplinarian officer you were able to pre-guilty or not guilty and then eventually you’ll end up with sanctions so now not only are you serving seven days in solitary confinement but once you get out of solitary confinement gonna have 30 days last of your last meal feel like that’s some kind of crying but we’ll figure that out .. and then they usually give you a loss of physics or loss of phone for another 30 days so now you’re just feeling better because you’re suicidal and suddenly you cannot talk to your family or friends of anyone I’m outside tell me they’re not trying to make you kill yourself .