I want to express a truth. I use to cut.

When anyone notices my scars, they look away. I know they are trying to hide their reactions and curiosity. Some are judging me, “oh she just wants attention.” We’ve all heard that one.

I want to tell you that at the moment i would have the razor to my wrist, or leg. I certainly was not thinking, “oh gee i think I’ll drag this razor through my flesh so people will notice me and give me football fields of sympathy” No, that’s not the case.

The reason i cut, any time i have ever cut- though the situations have varied, the underlying theme was always the same. In each instance i wanted the person or situation that was hurting me to fucken stop.

I was in those moments, so emotionally in pain, that i would hurt myself. Right now as I describe it, I’m not in a state of distress- so can communicate effectively and rationally.

But during those moments.

I forget about all for whom i love and live for. All i can hear are the thoughts in my head. I’m so far gone sometimes that my inner voice practically chants for me to do cut. The obsessive-compulsive urge to rip my wrists apart takes hold of me.

I recognize cutting is an addiction, the same way a person tries to numb pain with drugs. I too am shutting of the pain. (Although not really.)

I have since learned my own techniques. I try desperately when I’m to that point to create another voice in my head. One that try’s to ground me and remind me of other situations, i thought I wouldn’t get through and i did. I start to list the names of the people in my head who would be hurt by me hurting my self. Sometimes i sit on my hands and scream. I even substituted shredding paper with my hands.But sometimes my inner thoughts are so loud I’m unable to resist.

But nine times out of ten- if the people who provoked the situation would stop when i warned them i was at my breaking point, there would be no cutting. I can always see the cutting coming when stuff starts to get bad, i have often cry, even beg but they never have to keep pushing.

I hate that i get so desperate that I end up helping them hurt me.